*WARNING - LONG RANT AHEAD*
I have a problem. I am what you call "emotionally clingy". I am basically insecure with myself and constantly needs affirmation that someone cares about me. I don't usually express myself in that way with friends, even best friends. This is because I know and understand how frustrating and annoying it can get when someone acts all clingy and desperate - and i really don't want to lose good friends who mean a lot to me. I don't do that to my parents either, probably because they are already overprotective and I needed them to un-cling to me.
For some weird reason, I cling to my boyfriend like crazy. I act differently around him than when I'm with my friends. I am more childish and more unreasonable. Maybe I thought if he had stuck around with me for more than 2 years knowing how I am, he was able to cope with my clingy-ness. I thought wrong...
We have this discussion once in a while where I blame him for never answering my calls and he says I'm being too needy (which I admitted know). He understands that I need some sort of daily reassurance that he is still there for me and I understand that he needs his space. Trust me, I have reduced the number of times that I call/text him over the years, although I still do that every single day but just not as often as I used to. And when he doesn't reply my texts, I don't make so much of a fuss over it anymore as long as he tries to answer my call once a day. Sometimes, he still doesn't, usually because he had fallen asleep or something of that sort...
This week, I had been at one of my worse. I have been feeling uncharacteristically insecure and plus, bored. He had been busy with his own "project", which needed to be done as soon as possible, for some time now. He's constantly working on the "project" that he seldom takes my calls anymore and I get very few replies to my texts, sometimes nothing at all. Last few weeks, it doesn't bother me that much. However, this week it was getting to me. I felt neglected. I felt lonely. I felt unloved. He would suggest that we do something nice just the two of us. Then something would come up (which I know is genuine and not his fault) and we wouldn't be able to do things that we have wanted to do. It probably was a few little things that built up and I was getting grumpy. When he continued doing that, I got quite depressed and pretty pissed off. All I wanted was to talk to him about how crappy my day had been and he wasn't around. I have no one else to talk to. I know he was busy but I felt the right to be mad. So I texted (about a dozen) and called (about every 15 minutes) - partly to annoy him and partly hopeful that he was going to respond. But no... and then the next morning when I wake up I always feel crap for being so unreasonable the night before. There is no point crying over spilt milk by then. And I ALWAYS apologise - I am that needy.
I have searched internet articles on crazy girlfriends and how to not be clingy anymore. I realised I am not the craziest girl existed. There are worse. Nonetheless, I have also realised that I cannot go on being like this anymore. I have got to learn to let go. So what I'm gonna do is:
1. Get a hobby/get a friend - don't know how that is going to work out. I have no means of transport and at late at night, where can I go to do a hobby?? I could bake, but would require some ingredients and thus, money. I could study.....uhh. I even got fed up watchin TV shows which is my ALLTIME favourite thing to do. Anyways, gonna try baking tonight. Or figure something out. And sad to say, probably don't have much people I would want to hang out with and not be awkward...
2. Build self confidence - I have insecurities about our relationship, in a way that he might leave me someday. I don't particularly get jealous or worried that he is going to leave me for another women. Sometimes, I feel that he we do break up he would't be that fussed over it while I am very prone to falling into depression. Even if he had assured me he will be very very sad, somehow I don't believe he would. I don't know if it's a guy thing, but he seems like he can very take care of his life and go on with it while I would just drop and crash. I should trust him more. Trust that he cares and loves me even if he doesn't say it a lot.
3. Learn to give him space - I need to understand that he doesn't need me to call him everyday and will scare him away. I think he feels that he is being trapped and is getting a lot of pressure to be commited. In fact, I think he is a scared of being too committed and this clinging is making him feel worse. I have to try to distract myself from texting or calling him too much in a day so he doesn't think I'm crazy. Most guys just need some time to themselves but that doesn't mean they don't love you anymore. Just how they are.
I should try on these few points while I try to amend this relationship. I have to stop obsessing that he is going to leave me. If it happens, it does.